Friday, October 2, 2009

I am Abe Vigoda

We start our lives as smooth as my grandson's dimpled tuckus. We are pristine and flawless. As men, in our teens the sprinkling of hair begins to emerge and we consider ourselves now fit to be called a man. We pick up that razor for the first time and the transformation begins.

Now, I come from a rather hairy clan, although we don't feel the need to shave our backs. We have just enough manly mop to be masculine, debonair and handsome all at once. In the seventies, manly chest hair was it vogue. Yes, we were stylin'. Some of us could even get by with the seventies moustache. One of us still has it. (You know, the one that makes you look like a porn star). But, back then it was cool. I think only Tom Selleck can pull that one off now.

Then things changed. The population started growing hairless. Less and less men were seen with hair dappled across their chests. Then women began wanting that baby smoothness and the metrosexual began to evolve. But what about the rest of us?

We, simply grow older. We evolve with the times and stay combed, brushed and shaven. My personal lineage has always maintained a clean and neat appearance. It is something we have always had. Then, it happens.

As I slipped in front of the mirror the other night, a big hairy fur ball looked back. I had begun sprouting wild eyebrows. You know the kind, like a tamer version of Andy Rooney. I sighed, and three feet of nose hair blew in the wind. As I gasped and turned my head, I saw enough hair popping from my ears that I thought Greg Brady had moved in. My only saving grace was that it was white and couldn't be seen from afar. Hair was growing from places God never intended.

It was then I realized every man's shaking fear; I had become Abe Vigoda!


  1. Welcome to the club! as I weep tears of laughter, dear brother.

    I remain the only (male)from Beloved Father's loins who never sported facial hair beyond a two day growth.

    I was prone to a unibrow in my early 20s, but fortunately that passed away. I do have white hair on my chest but still sport the red of my youth on my stomach. A two-tone paint job!

  2. So, what are you saying about your sister?

  3. Not saying nuthin about our sister, I'm just sayin...

    But ear hair is particularly gnarly and untamed, worse than all the others.

  4. Hey! I have a great 5 o'clock shadow - jealous, are you? It shaves off! The girls all hope they never get it - I think I got it from Aunt Grace, if you ask me.

  5. I can agree with that.

    It is good to know that we are not among the follicly-challenged, nor are we hirsute.

  6. I think there was an insult in there?!